spamogram n. Stylised pictographic representation, or hieroglyph, of a disembodied set of male genitalia, usually seen scrawled on toilet walls, bus shelters, religious textbooks and the backs of photographs of washing machines posted to disc jockey Mike Read. A pud.

bunnet brie n. Scot. McHelmetdale. 'Whit's yon stink, paw?' 'It's oor Wullie's bunnet brie, maw.'

carbon dibaxide n. Chemical name for arse gas.

tadpole yoghurt n. Gentleman's relish, dressing for a sausage sandwich.

standing on the fireman's hose sim. At the conclusion of the evening's fourth or fifth bout of Jesuit boxing, a complete failure to release jaff. An air horn.